Guy who doesn’t respect the walkie talkie rules: Ugh, I’m so hungover
Guy who does: rlly 👀? Over
You Might Also Like
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
I’m writing a story about a guy who goes searching for parts to build a bookcase. It’s a journey of shelf discovery.
…No, YOU shut up.
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
one time my uncle showed up to thanksgiving dinner with a leprechaun who was wanted by the fbi in 12 states & that night changed our family from being simple, uneducated hill folk to simple, uneducated hill folk who now knew a dangerous leprechaun
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.