Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?

Yoga pants.

I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.

what’s more important?

‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’

If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.

things a whale might end an email with:

-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krill

things a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:

-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you

JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever

ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age

My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”

Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.

Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.

You don’t need that negativity in your life.

waiter : here’s your bread for the table

table : nom nom nom delicious

If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.

Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.

I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.

I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.

There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”

A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.

imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day

My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors

happy 100th birthday caesar salad!! may we all celebrate this day by stabbing a politician

*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]

Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces

Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”

Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.

BOSS: how was your weekend?

ME: oh man i got so high

BOSS: it’s against company policy-

ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon

BOSS: oh, haha well then-

ME: then the edibles kicked in

I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.

The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”

He’s 14.

My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol

Priest: That’s your eulogy?

Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?

~ Me as a therapist