Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head

My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too

I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate

As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver

‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product

officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*

A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.

There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.

It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis

me: i wish i could go live in the woods

my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours

*purges outlook inbox

weigh me now

in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality

Kids have so many food allergies these days.

In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.

Dance like no one’s going to press charges.

don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s

My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches

I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese

If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.

This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley

WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here

[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down

You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine

I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall

This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!

If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.

Wife: can you pick up milk?

Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy

Wife: I mean from the store

Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too

I just squealed when I saw my daughter brought home 2 lost water bottles from school. This is my life now.

And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.

Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.

[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.

CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.

ME: No thanks.

CASHIER: It comes with free refills.

ME: I do like free refills…