Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.

Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…

Boyfriend: I’m gay.

jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!

🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶

Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?

Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”

If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing

I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions

if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption

I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.

I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls

“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.

Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good

kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”

Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?

I just did.

Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦‍♂️😂

They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.

I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.

An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.

*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews

If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.

ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.

I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.

I wished that I won’t die a virgin.

Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby

*Sips Margarita

It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.

I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.

Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?

Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly

kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool

Normal stickers: I peel off easy.

Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.

Doctor: *eyes wide*

Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time

[checking my phone]

“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck

[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]