Guy who doesn’t respect the walkie talkie rules: Ugh, I’m so hungover
Guy who does: rlly 👀? Over
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Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
Apparently, my concussed brain found it totally acceptable to burst out with, “I’m sorry. I don’t know what we have talked about for the last 15 minutes so I’m going to leave. Bye,” on a work call, and then proceeded to hang up the phone.
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
Shout out to the racoon or drunk person messing with my trashcans right now. Thank you for laughs, making me feel more sober than I am, and making me double check my doors are locked.
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
Wolves are just dogs that nobody has called a “good boy” yet.
People who play golf don’t concern me nearly as much as the people who watch it
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator