Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”

“Shake your money maker”

Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*

“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.

I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.

TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS

*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick

Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.

I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.

Her: We need to talk.

*vultures begin circling over me*

cracking the ice cubes out probably feels so good for the ice tray

“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.

Me: We are a team.

Husband: Yes.

Me: We are in this together.

Husband: OK.

Me: It’s you and me.

Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?

Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.

Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?

What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.

*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room

I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.

[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going

⁦@XplodingUnicorn⁩ LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃

Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.

Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.

*Husband playing computer game*

Me: I’m going to go pee.

Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.

Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.

Husband: OK. Enjoy.

Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.

The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.

Getting really mad at my friend because:
1. They don’t know about road trip stew.
2. They won’t let me plug my crockpot into the cig lighter and teach them.

“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness

“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”

Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.

I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.

guy: [drinking a coke]

me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body

The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.

that’s me in the corner, that’s me using Microsoft Word, losing my revision