guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
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me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
I slept like a baby, knowing I’m a burden to everyone around me
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
Naps are like gambling for the tired. You either wake up refreshed or wake up the next day to lots of angry texts.
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
told my gf that i’m “really into getting itchy lately” and that i am “low key in my itchy era” but it turns out i was having an allergic reaction
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
this job on linkedin didn’t even ask for a resume, it was just like do you have a website? what about an email? And then,
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
husband: we need to get your ring insured in case there’s a fire or tornado
me: but what if the tornado wants to use my ring to propose to his tornado girlfriend
husband:
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY