Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

her: so do you have air conditioning

me: no, only fans

[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office

*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*

I ordered a pizza.

I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.

Is it free if it’s 5 years late?

Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.

Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.

Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.

Have kids, they said

This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen

Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.

“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.

angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible

god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls

angel: ok first question why

god: wait i’m not finished

Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.

No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter

[first day selling houses]

me: shits about to get realty

It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.

Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again

Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.

today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore

You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place

Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.

Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.

We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.

[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy

Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby

It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.

As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.

I’m giving up for Lent.

Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…

But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.

before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life

My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.