Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.

Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud

[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?

My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.

Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands

Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine

There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me

When your diet is finally over.

If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.

a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected

Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.

[on the 7th day]

Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?

God: yeah totally harmless little dude

Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?

God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy

Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep

Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.

we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive

I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD

I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you

[First Date. Full moon]

Her: You looked different in your profile picture.

Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar

*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person

My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.

Parenting is easy

What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.

My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.

Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?

Taco truck driver: Okay.

I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.

“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”

*pulls the plug*

i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.

I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.

See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.

One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.

I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,

Smiling

You know what’s coming next..

It’s your turn to do the laundry

[first day in the army]

me: hi I like your slacks

him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants

me: ok but I also like your blouse

[family reunion]

Does this place have air conditioning because

[song ends, party becomes silent]

Grandma looks really hot