Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
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Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
I love when moms are like let’s go in the playroom. Girl the playroom is my whole damn house.
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz