Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
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Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
Why soy sad?
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
How are they running out of oxygen if they’re breathing it right back into the submarine
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first