Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Deleting all work emails]

THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!

McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.

I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.

I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.

I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.

[Social Media Addiction Club]

Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.

*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.

Received some very disappointing news today

My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough

Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is

Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?

Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.

Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.

We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”

Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.

Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.

Staying with my parents, pt. 17:

Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.

Mom: …

Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?

Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.

Eat…

Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.

My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.

Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”

Me:

Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.

the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck

*waters flowers*
*flowers die*

*sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*

I’m not “passive aggressive”… would a passive aggressive person buy you these lovely wind chimes?

The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken

I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one

{playing Hide & Go Seek}

Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!

Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.

It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”

moderator: your word is “impatient”

sloth: can you use it

moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“

sloth: in a

moderator: you know what close enough *ding*

sloth: oh great thank you

moderator: what the