guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
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Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
greetings!
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
Getting my kid ready for her Girl Scouts trip to a horse farm
Wife: get your hair in a pony tail before you go
Kid: why do I have to do that?
Me: it’s a sign of good faith for the other ponies
Kid:
Me: it shows that you’re one of them and helps gain their trust
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
i love meeting boys on tinder
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV