guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
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figuring out my emotional availability:
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
One job that doesn’t exist but definitely should is Shoe Complimenter. They’d walk around town saying nice things about people’s shoes (e.g. “Lovely shoes sir. They look good”). But sadly we live in an uncivilised society so the government refuses to fund this much needed role 🙁
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
Pharmacist. There’s one particular cupboard in the pharmacy that is locked all the time with one lock & two padlocks. I’m the only person with the keys. The other staff all believe there are very serious drugs only I’m allowed to access in there. It’s actually my snack cupboard.
Sure sex is great, but have you found an awesome clean washroom when you desperately had to pee?
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
A driver that delivers Indian food is called a curryer.
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.