Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.

Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG

Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically

*through a mouthful of Nutella*

Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.

Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?

It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”

11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!

*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*

Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?

[phobia support group]

host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.

me: [tearing up]

host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?

me: tsunamis

*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?

My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!

Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…

Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…

Me: You did?

Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!

Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work

Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.

[stranded on a desert island]

*plane flies over head and drops a letter*

Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!

*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warranty

Me: Sonofa-

If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either

guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?

guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.

My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.

[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my own

ME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed

[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT

My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow

A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?

Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what

I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.

Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.

Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog

Magician: I can make anything disappear

Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea

Magician: *waves hand* done

om: *holding cup* it didn’t work

For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.

I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.

My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.

Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.