Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?

We got an electric blanket so now I call all of our other ones acoustic blankets.

Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.

jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.

media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.

colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.

God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*

Adam: That’s a weird way to make people

God: Lol wait till you see how she does it

My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”

I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.

I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.

Torturer: you shock him this time

Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle

Torturer: no not— wait really

I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?

Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.

so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.

[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you like

HER: I really get off on exhibitionism

ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool

ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.

DAUGHTER: Chad.

ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.

[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *

Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]

Him: How old is your child?

Me: Child?

Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.

Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”

I still have no idea when to iron that thing.

posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.

Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]

Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.

I’m not lazy… I just don’t have the desire to come up with a more accurate way to describe myself right now

THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise

me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?

therapist: no i totally get it

Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?

No?

give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.

What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..

I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.

Me, as a cicada: Guys we all have to stop talking at the same time.

Care for your back