GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
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damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
I have three kids: a 14-year-old, an 11-year-old, and an imaginary child who is actually to blame for everything the other two get accused of.
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
cat faces on other animals, a thread
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer