GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
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Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
get you a girl who
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
an I working from home…. or living at work? 🤔🤔🤔
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
sooo many straight people never talk to their exes and sooooo many queer people are like “this is my ex-girlfriend we share custody of our dog Skippy she’s the godmother of my children oh and also we own a bar together”
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
i don’t need to touch grass i need to touch one million dollars cash
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
I went to the dentist to get a crown put in. Told the hygienist I was there for my coronation. Then apologized for being the several hundredth person to say that. She said I was the first!