Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!

Good neighbors never bother you.

Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.

bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast

Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.

Dr: Suture self

87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.

[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]

Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.

“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”

(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?

Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.

I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am

Me: I’ve had a breakdown.

Tow truck company: Where’s your car?

Me: Car?

My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.

ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.

CO-PILOT: …What?

For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.

I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!

Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit

British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years

Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.

After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.

The comment ads on twitter are so trippy

“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”

GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste

BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice

Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.

[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*

(Jupiter –

my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’

Coffee ain’t cutting it anymore. I need to eat batteries. 😭

Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.

ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*

Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒

cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume

me: is there a law against it?

cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession