GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
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Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl
Only short people can save us
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
Something Saturday.
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person