Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
Jake Paul will have to watch Mike Tyson closely. He will be trying to punch him
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
Untrue. I’ve already gotten gastro at several Sydney pubs.
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
Can’t, too busy deleting screenshots of my lock screen
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
i’m gonna allow it
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
