Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference

boss: you’re six hours late

Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.

– texts to my bed

Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself

Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.

*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance

I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open

‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*

Ok, but like, how married are you?

“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts

[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”

Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”

Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~

*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*

Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”

Client: “Oh I don’t have one”

Me *blinking intensely*

Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.

When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.

Plants are like “I’ll have a light lunch.”

My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.

There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…

Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.

Me: this is my service burrito.

[around a campfire]

Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?

Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…

[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys

Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet

Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.

spicy snake

Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.

STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business

by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance

[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.

[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”

[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.

All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.

As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.

why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”