Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies

“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.

I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian

she has a smile full of sesame seeds

When a shoelace touches your ankle

You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.

My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”

Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.

The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?

Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.

You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.

me: bye bye miss american pie

miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?

me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady

I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!

(Sigh)

I just don’t know what to keep it in….

I’m going to let this happen but in no scenario do I see it ending well.

-me sharing my fries

Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t

If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.

my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill

me: *just sitting there all 40*

I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him

My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life

i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer

I think this is my favorite scene in a movie

Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.

Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.

I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently

You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.

Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette

my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.

I don’t watch a lot of UFC fights, but when I do, I like to pause them when someone gets punched or trapped in a weird position, and say, “I bet you’re wondering how I got here”

What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?

In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.

While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.

*walks in on family gathering*

I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD

STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF