Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed

me: just changing the oil

There should be a reality show where project managers try to meet outrageous deadlines while developers keep introducing new features.

its weird that when seltzer goes flat it doesn’t turn into regular water. you can still taste that something was Done To It

Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”

But you?

You can call me tonight.

[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]

Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?

Me: *wakes up screaming*

Wife: What’s wrong?

Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again

Wife: Need some help?

Me: AHHH

I’ll only give a restaurant a 5 star review if the couple at the next table are breaking up.

*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*

My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.

Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit

Me: ok

*nun screams*

My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.

I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am

My type is 12 pt Helvetica.

I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome

My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.

*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*

– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.

“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”

genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u

me: random rule but ok

genie: seriously don’t even try

me: ok i won’t

genie:

me:

genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work

how long have you had this for?

Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”

I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.

I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?

“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.

What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?

You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood

Who called it baking and not making love

Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart

Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.

Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.