Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.

My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat

Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?

Bros before Ohioes

I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh

Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog

dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment

A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.

How did the person who invented the spelling of “banana” decide when to stop?

Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.

You wish you had this many chins.

What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID

The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.

If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?

Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?

Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?

My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.

Top three meanings of “I was just joking”

3. I was just joking.

2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.

1. She looks angry, abort!

Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.

When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.

My aunts (who are twins) were gonna have a joint 60th bday party, but they got into a fight. Now they’re doing two separate parties on the same day and they’re asking everyone to choose 😩

When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.

Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me

Genie: okay

Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel

Genie: k…

Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s

[McDonald’s]

Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂

Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*

You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”

The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.

I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”

hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird

Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?

This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:

*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever

I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.