Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries

[at a movie theater]

Cashier: Can I help u?

Me: One large cornpop please

C: Sir it’s the other way around

Me: Ok- can I help u?

co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?

me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.

The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”

walmart boss: ur fired

me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs

boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs

me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart

*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*

“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”

[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?

Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..

I said , “The red runny type”.

Saying “3 twins” is wild.

Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.

Did anyone else always “help” their dad as a kid but do nothing at all? I even had a wee jumpsuit for oil changes, but I did nothing but yap the whole time. God saw a quiet man in my father and said give him a daughter that talks enough for the both of them.

Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.

well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon

You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?

That’s the whole month of January for me

Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.

If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.

*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid

how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something

My in-laws visited today.

FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.

My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?

I love my son.

The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?

centipede: *walking by*

Ariel: whoa what’d you trade

I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.

Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done

[Running away from home]

Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!

WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]

The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.

😭😭

me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol

teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked

Firing squad leader: Any last words?

Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha

Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice