GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
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There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
wet food twice a day is wreaking havoc on the spoon economy in this household
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
just remembered my uber driver who messaged me that he had to stop for something and showed up 12 minutes late with chocolate on his face
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
give it to me straight doc what can i do to be healthier besides changing my entire lifestyle.
Has there ever been a more American story?
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.