Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Would you like a bag?” “Well yes obviously or else how else am I going to carry it” in a bag you brought from home like 50% of the other customers do hun 🙂

[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin

Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time

I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?

The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.

I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃

I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.

Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”

She says “Burger King.”

First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice

Me: What are you doing?

4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.

My wife: Our daughter played Godzilla with her friend at school today.

Me: Wow! What were you?

Toddler: Godzilla!

Me: And what was your friend?

Toddler: Scared!

CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:

ME: Two Thin Mints please

GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!

ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings

GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS

…

ME: Four boxes would be great.

My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math

[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”

*Does something bad*

Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*

If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it

Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life

I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.

*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’

you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous

You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic

The party bus lobby must be so strong. You’re not allowed to ride in a car without a seatbelt, unless you’re drinking and dancing on a pole. What an incredible loophole.

Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.

I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.

😂😂

day 16 of being stuck in:

me: shall I have another glass of wine?

my wall: yes catherine splendid idea

George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”

So I am at work and my wife calls. Tells me she grabbed my chocolate Oreos by mistake, which she hates. Separated one, saw her mistake, put it back together and back in the bag. So if I find one a little off centered not to worry about it.

This is my life.

If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.