Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.

His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble

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Started to feel bad about my life but just saw a bumper sticker that said “I Love My Grand-dog” and I think l’m going to be ok.


Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.

6 month old baby: ……..


Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins


I encourage my kids to explore art. I insist they know Picasso’s Blue Period had nothing to do with the menstrual cycle of a Smurf.


My kids are 23 and 13 and they still argue about who is my favorite. Warms my heart.

Too bad it’s neither of them.


Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?

Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.


[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.


“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.