@TweetingDadGuy
Started to feel bad about my life but just saw a bumper sticker that said “I Love My Grand-dog” and I think l’m going to be ok.
@LlamaInaTux
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
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@TweetingDadGuy
@Kryzazy
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
@Classy_Cassy89
Cause of Death: Dropped full can of soda on baby toe.
@superdadatron
Are there any rules for lending your kids out as migrant workers?
@ADHDeanASL
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
@hipchkk
I encourage my kids to explore art. I insist they know Picasso’s Blue Period had nothing to do with the menstrual cycle of a Smurf.
@SnizzleFrizzle
My kids are 23 and 13 and they still argue about who is my favorite. Warms my heart.
Too bad it’s neither of them.
@Darlainky
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
@JediGigi
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
@sixfootcandy
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.