@occupied_stall
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
@LlamaInaTux
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
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@occupied_stall
@DaddyJew
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
@PeachyPixel8
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
@WetMascara
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
@AnOrangeSNES
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
@hardlyrelevant
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
@papasuncle
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
@trevso_electric
dam girl
@iJesseWilliams
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
@flaskofwhiskeyy
My friend told me to let loose and be reckless today so I walked really fast with a bowl full of hot soup.