Started to feel bad about my life but just saw a bumper sticker that said “I Love My Grand-dog” and I think l’m going to be ok.
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
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Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
Cause of Death: Dropped full can of soda on baby toe.
Are there any rules for lending your kids out as migrant workers?
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
I encourage my kids to explore art. I insist they know Picasso’s Blue Period had nothing to do with the menstrual cycle of a Smurf.
My kids are 23 and 13 and they still argue about who is my favorite. Warms my heart.
Too bad it’s neither of them.
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.