Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
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*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.