Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”

Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄

If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”

The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’

I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?

Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now

Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.

#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.

The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.

Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:

*5 stars*

I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.

Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr

Angel: we need to make more creatures

God: why?

Angel: you killed them all

God:

Angel: giant meteor..

God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute

Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot

God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something

The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..

[tightening roller skates]

“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”

I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.

What I say: No!

What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.

firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….

over 7k tabs down the drain….

[date]

him: I loved Captain Marvel.

me: Me too!

him: What was your favorite part?

me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling

Classified ad:

Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.

INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?

ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off

*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate*

*Creates a soulmate*

if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation

Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one

One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.

Her: so, are you seeing anyone?

Me: nope, it’s just the voices.

Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.

If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.

I don’t share cheese on the first date.

‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.