guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
You Might Also Like
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
Good Morning.
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
Last night at dusk we were playing outside and my 4yo was pretending to direct traffic as cars went by. A woman rolled down her window and very kindly said “thanks for your help!” and my 4yo, completely seriously goes “you’re welcome. You need to turn on your headlights.”
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
Trying to transition into becoming a hat guy but want to make it seem natural so I’m wearing a very tiny hat and will wear a slightly larger one every day until I’m just wearing a normal hat.
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?