Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d hit that

-me, to my snooze alarm

Genie: One wish left

Me: I wish I was cool

Genie: Your wish is granted

⛄️: Wait not like this

Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.

“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”

[tries to date pizza]

[gets friend calzoned]

One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house

ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?

You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you

You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.

MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*

ME: that supposed to intimidate me?

*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*

ME: k I’m scared but thats rad

In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”

Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆

Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.

Him: Grew peas?

Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.

[hospital]

DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR

ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle

DOCTOR: She insisted

Every Political Ad Ever:

I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*

I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.

This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like

My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.

Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.

She’s right about both.

My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.

HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly

it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you

Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership

MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad

COW: What’s that mean?

MAN: Uh-

COW: I’m fat?

MAN: … You’re a cow?

PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo

If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,

OH GOD WHY?!?

It is 87 degrees outside and I am melting in this courtroom. I said, “Judge may we approach?” Co-counsel and I walk to the bench and I said, “Your Honor my 51 years is showing. I am about to faint it is so hot.” Judge, “Oh. My bad. I had a chill. I flipped the heat on.”

You did what sir?!

Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs

I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.

No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.

Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.

I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.

I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.