guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
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FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
Tell me you get it…🤣
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.