[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
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HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care