[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
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2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore