Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Using My Shrink Ray]

Me: I feel so small

Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that

I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.

Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.

*brings knife to gunfight*

*knife used to cut pizza*

*pizza served & differences resolved*

*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*

If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years

Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer

[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]

Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.

person walking by my house:

my dog: I’ve killed people for less

I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.

Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”

My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.

me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you

They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.

The sun got the nerve to be out.

Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING

CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*

ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!

CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?

ME: *Considers* … come in.

My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything

[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.

Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.

“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.

Aladdin: I can show you the world

Jasmine: lets go to New York!

Aladdin: hold on

Jasmine: then London

Aladdin: wait

Jasmine: and then-

Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah

*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.

*Returns to couch.

*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.

can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets

My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants

Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.

Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes

Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.

I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.

“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”

Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.

The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.

If you casually mention at the reference desk that this morning’s been pretty quiet so far, library staff will react as though you just screamed Macbeth at the top of your lungs seventeen times in a theater.