Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?

GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.

Him: I like your vest.

Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.

I’ve only been married for six months now, but after much studying and counseling I’ve come to the conclusion that the key to a successful marriage can be summed up in two words: strategic farting

Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons

The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.

Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.

me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:

Of course my days are numbered..

That’s how calendars work.

Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?

Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread

*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions

I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bears

They really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes

Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.

[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”

“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”

*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*

me: why so glum, ghost?

ghost: i’m just going through some stuff

I just smiled to everyone I invited over to watch football as I turned it off and started the puppet show.

I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.

One venti cheeseburger please.

theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.

findings: I am going to barf very soon.

I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.

*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?

Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆

This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.

That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.

Two sheep walk into a baaaaa.

I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.

Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.

I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.

Remember when we used to jump out of the swings? Those knees were fresh.. fresh out the box

[Court]

ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?

BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah

ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*

him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?

alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!

his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too