Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.

Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.

Me: *spits soup into bucket*

Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.

I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.

i often find myself insisting to my partner that i only have “normal bag stuff” in my rucksack and “yes i do need to carry around all those items”, so it pains me to say that today i found an unopened jar of roasted garlic cloves in there

My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.

Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.

*First and last date:

“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”

I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.

Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!

Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd

peacock: how’d the date go?

me: not so well

peacock: you show her your tail?

me: no i-

peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit

If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.

When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.

People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?

Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good

if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?

ㅤ

friend: how did the neck surgery go?

me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.

The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.

Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord

The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.

I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.

If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.

you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other

Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!

Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind

[driving]

WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?

ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?

me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”

“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.

I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.

At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.