Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night

National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?

*Show and tell day*

Me: You know what to do?

Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”

Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl

[staring up at the sky]

ME: what does that cloud look like to you?

11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category

ME: well I see a corn dog

5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”

Me, “No.”

5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”

My lighter has two settings:

1: Spark, spark, spark

2: No left eyebrow

[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”

You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.

At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”

-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?

mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE

me: My best friend will protect me

mugger: Haha, right-

[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]

“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”

but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim

*Throws caution to the wind*

*gets covered in caution*

HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911

If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.

Thanks for reading.

That’s “Mr. Human Scum” to you, buddy.

My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today

I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.

[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*

I wanna stand with you on a mountain and throw you into the sea or whatever savage garden was on about

My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”

Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.

ME: Colman Domingo would make a great Hermes in the Hadestown movie

GUY WHO I’M TRAPPED IN A CAVE WITH: cool but I meant ideas about how we get out of this cave

I’m throwing a surprise 40th birthday party for my friend this weekend. He’s 34 so it’ll definitely work.

INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!

*11 people die*

INDIANA JONES: this was worth it

To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.

We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”

I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.

It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.

I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast