GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
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I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
I was binging Friends with my 14yo and there was a cliffhanger episode and I mentioned that we used to have to wait a week to find out what happened and she looked at me like I just told her we had no running water.
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!