Guy who likes music
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5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up