Guy who likes music
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If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
The stun gun you tried using on me didn’t work. Why am I not shocked?
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
You’ll be OK
presenting your incognito window wrapped