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Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
most of being a woman is just removing exclamation points from emails before you send them
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
My 13yo likes to remind me that he’s taller than me, and I like to remind him I’m the one who signs his permission slips to do the fun things at school.
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
Have you ever tried archery blindfolded?
You don’t know what you’re missing
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL