GUY WHO NORMALLY APPLAUDS WHEN THE PLANE LANDS RIGHT BEFORE THE PILOT CRASHES INTO A MOUNTAIN: boo
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When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
Must have been so hard for our ancestors to find out which mushrooms were edible and which weren’t. “Sure, the brown one was delicious but the orange one killed Steve so idk about that stew, Jeremy“
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
I stopped at Culver’s and got cheese curds. I felt so guilty, I really should’ve gotten some onion rings too.
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Are they honking at me because I’m cute or because I can’t drive?
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*