GUY WHO NORMALLY APPLAUDS WHEN THE PLANE LANDS RIGHT BEFORE THE PILOT CRASHES INTO A MOUNTAIN: boo
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My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
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