guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
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Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
pretty sure we already dropped enough balls in 2024
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
Social distancing in Australia:
This made me chuckle.
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car