guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
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I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
I’m at that point on a Monday where no.
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
You’d think wearing a hospital gown in a pharmacy would insure prompt service, well I’m here to tell you kids, it does not.
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
i was dropped as an adult
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
the most incredible thing about James Bond is the way he can walk into any hotel room and immediately know how to use the shower