guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
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no one likes gloating
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
If my son ever came out as gay I’d be so furious. Furious that he never gave me fashion advice
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.