Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
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ios update: we’ve changed the keyboard size just slightly again. good luck!
me: god danb ut
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
#StillHurts
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
Everybody loves that comfort food until you end up with that comfort body.
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
I heard you like bad girls. I’m bad at everything
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.