Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle

I asked the waitress for a quickie and she slapped me. The old woman next to me said, “It’s pronounced ‘quiche’, dear.”

Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.

[the first couples argument]

Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.

Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.

If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”

“wfh”

what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?

I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.

Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.

No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.

At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again

My work here is done

Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!

the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT

They:’What doesn’t kill you..’

Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’

“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”

Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*

I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon

The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat

Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?

Her:

Me:

Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.

INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich

🎵 I can’t wait to

Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning

Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur

I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.

Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.

Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*

I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.

“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.

aiming to be more of a grinch this christmas (exclusively hanging out with my dog and complaining when the neighbors get too loud)

Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter

I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.

Bite me.

All those years of karate training wasted …

I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….

putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit

My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.

About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.

I am ashamed of the scream I made.