guy who strips completely naked before starting a fight with the menswear guy
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still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
in the ocean
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
*wonders if people named Mike shout “mic drop” instead of “parkour” when they fall over
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.