guy who strips completely naked before starting a fight with the menswear guy
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Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
Baller is short for ballerina
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
We are a nation of people who queue, and who know and respect the rules of queuing. This of course goes out the window when we hear “we are opening till number 4”
Every photo I’m tagged in
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
Banana is the quietest snack
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.