guy who strips completely naked before starting a fight with the menswear guy
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I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
Telling the server about the dead bug in your salad seems like a good idea until you see the protein up-charge on your bill.
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
I never dropped acid in college but I did drop American Lit, Intro to Philosophy, General Chemistry and Phys Ed.
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to