Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
Got a light
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
So McDonald’s employees can spot the United healthcare CEO murderer but can’t spot the fries missing from my fucking bag?!?!!??
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
I think about this a lot
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
Day 2 of my diet
No laws when master is gone
