Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.

Google: This actor is three years younger than you.

Me: …Oh. 💀

I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.

i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”

Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button

“Moooooooo”

– bilingual donkey

*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it

Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?

Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.

There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle

my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.

i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either

*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.

Scientists says humans are the most evolved, but bears get to get fat all summer and then sleep for 4 months, so who’s really ahead

Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.

Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!

Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!

*pulls up at the vet’s*

Dog: hey, wait a minute…

i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.

If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”

The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days

If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.

My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.

Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.

Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.

If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?

I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.

one thing that could really “level-up” the experience of being a pedestrian would be if cars had some kind of feature that could indicate to an outside observer whether or not they were going to turn in a particular direction

15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.

Wife: We need to talk

Me, absolutely panicking: What

Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter

You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.