@Merman_Melville

(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)

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@Gupton68

[first day as a baker]

boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?

me: you said to make donuts

b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!

m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too

@WeedlordKrillin

Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!

@jwoodham

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.

@tigersgoroooar

Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.

@Marlebean

I’m sorry I asked if you lost a bet when you told me your baby’s name…

@catzsparkles

I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.

@LennoxTruman

“Sure it’s a dental PRACTICE, but dont fret, I know what I’m doing. Open wide.”
*opens wide*
“Ok which ones are the teeths? Where are teeth”

@CopBroughtPizza

“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”

– my first and last day as a defense attorney

@TheRolo

She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.

@Iwriteforcats

Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.