Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@Breadery

Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.

@bourgeoisalien

If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”

@Gupton68

What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?

@HousewifeOfHell

My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.

@TheToddWilliams

[boxing match]

TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’

CHAMP: I’m not too good at math

TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right

CHAMP: Or politics

@stewiecoffee

My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house

It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay

@iamspacegirl

Honestly rude to go all the way into a fish’s domain and then be like “oh no thank you I brought my air from home”

@EllieM72

The moderator needs a spray bottle. Each time someone interrupts, they could just be like: “NO! BAD PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE! BAD!! *spray*

@WICKEDTRUTH01

Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.