
doctor: are you seeing a psychiatrist?
me: [currently sleeping with a shrink] like…professionally?
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
doctor: are you seeing a psychiatrist?
me: [currently sleeping with a shrink] like…professionally?
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
10: What’s it like being a grown up?
Me [hands her money]: When we get to the movies, buy a large popcorn.
10: This is only $2
M: Exactly
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.