(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)

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Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?


If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”


What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?


My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.


[boxing match]

TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’

CHAMP: I’m not too good at math

TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right

CHAMP: Or politics


My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house

It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay


Honestly rude to go all the way into a fish’s domain and then be like “oh no thank you I brought my air from home”


The moderator needs a spray bottle. Each time someone interrupts, they could just be like: “NO! BAD PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE! BAD!! *spray*