@Merman_Melville

(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)

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@manicpixedreem

doctor: are you seeing a psychiatrist?

me: [currently sleeping with a shrink] like…professionally?

@Cpin42

If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear

@iwearaonesie

me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*

@ohpeetie

10: What’s it like being a grown up?

Me [hands her money]: When we get to the movies, buy a large popcorn.

10: This is only $2

M: Exactly

@david8hughes

Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”

@Book_Krazy

*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*

Him:*middle finger*

Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED

@djdarrellripley

Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..

Her: Yes I did.

Me: No you didn’t.

Her: Yes I did.

Me: Oh you’re good!

@joci2203

“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”

-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing

@BoomBoomBetty

The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.