Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection

It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.

[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*

A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”

I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland

the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person

If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.

wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”

Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.

guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics

I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.

Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.

Ffs

I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.

Me: *taking a family photograph*

Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?

Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink

Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.

Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.

My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!

PLEASE do not tell my husband

Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*

Guy: *stunned silence*

-Single Mama on a date

Where is your GOD now????

i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far

I tell my kids winning isn’t everything and then I steal money from the monopoly bank.

My wife is napping quietly and the villain of this story is about to be this sneeze.

Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.

‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me

‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me

All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.

Roombas should bark

Today a kindergartener asked me if he could ask me a question and I said “sure” and then he did a somersault.

I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate

I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill