Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[French restaurant]

DANIEL: Promise me, not again

MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?

[waiter comes]

D: Don-

M: [waves hand] Garcoff

Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?

There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE

oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman

$175 an hour, $175 an hour…

– my therapist’s notes

I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them

never compromise your values

[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]

Make a banana annoying.

All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.

I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.

*first day using my sith power*

“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”

COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no

My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.

*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?

I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel

I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool

Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.

I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed

“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”

Like a hot-air balloon ride above manure mountain I am over this shit and slightly unstable

I don’t know which meme to get my news from today

Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.

Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.

‘The cat is up on your counters again.’

~The monster under my bed.

*men apologize for their weakness*

*women apologize for their strength*

*aliens probe neither*

Me: Are you mad at me?

Wife: Eventually.

Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…

*plays Rocky theme song*

*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*

*vomits on kitchen floor*

*turns off music*

*cleans kitchen*

Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*

Square dancing in elementary school really had me expecting more hoedowns as an adult