[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
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You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
“You drive, I’m tired.”
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.