Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”

Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.

hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird

My neighbor is mowing his lawn.

There is snow on the ground.

[locks doors]

[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*

[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there

*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk

Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.

According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast

Wrong answers only

Answer: Marriage

First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.

The first pyramid scheme was when the Egyptians took credit for the pyramids that were clearly built by dinosaurs.

Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.

When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.

Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.

Church: time to come back

Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK

Church: not you

Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!

I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.

Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.

[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?

I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.

How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?

Flowers bee like

me: [pooping in a basket]

hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.

My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.

*bumps into old work colleague*
*chats for 30 seconds*
Them: “we should totally catch up soon”
My brain: no, this was enough catching!

Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.

Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.

I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.