[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
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Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
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By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you until you regret it.
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
Match dot com, but for socks.
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
Loan Officer: And the reason for the loan?
Me: I need printer ink.
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )