Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.

*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*

Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is

Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!

It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.

Me trying to reach for my goals

I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.

The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.

People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.

Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby

“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”

~me before I’m about to not be cool.

4- I make a lot of noises when I poop

Me- that’s okay buddy we all do

4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night

My spirit animal is fried chicken

salesman: you’ll like this car

me: how many dogs fit in it

salesman: how many what

me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before

Teacher: Name the five senses

Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashion

Teacher:

Me: *counting on fingers* What?

I can’t stand fake people.

Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.

Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.

If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.

I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.

Day 1 of diet:

forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.

Everyone is getting idioter.

Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so

I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.

I was raised by my father.

He was a competitive poker player.

So many people to disappoint, so little time

[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities

[news anchor]

“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”

*wife changes channel*

I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.

I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.

bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”

…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??