[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
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Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
“Your copier’s not working right. My copies all came out blank.”
“Looks like you ran them through wrong-side-up.”
“So, what, I need to flip them over?”
“Or we could turn the copier upside-down but that seems like a lot of work.”
4 yo: “Miss Katie, when you were a baby did your parents die and leave you alone?”
My friend: “Sorry, they watched Annie yesterday.”
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
I saw God in a dream and all he did was brag about making Pedro Pascal
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”