Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.

*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.

my first day as a raccoon

Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”

Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”

me: how is your pancake, bud?

3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft

Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.

That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.

wanted: shrödingers cat

dead and alive

Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese

i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?

If you get injured playing peekaboo, you end up in the ICU.

What can I say? Your script is great. A cop in a supercharged patrol car fighting insane mutant gangs along limitless stretches of highway in a desolate, post-apocalyptic landscape. Fantastic. But the title, Annoyed Max. We need to punch that up

“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”

~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…

Again

darth vader: i killed three planets

thanos: i killed half the universe

voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times

thanos: a kid, really

darth vader: wow

voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay

Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?

Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times

Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this

Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it

If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?

To the bank

20s wristband:
After hours club.

50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.

we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone

Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.

A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do

He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.

She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.

STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?

TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.

STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.

I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food

ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u

8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this

Nurse: “This may hurt.”

Me: “June hasn’t been much fun either.”

1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later

2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants

someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.

DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir

I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.