[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
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Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
Yup….perfect score!
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no