Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.

Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.

*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*

Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.

Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball

Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺

Me two kids later: Oh.

*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?

Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.

Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet

Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan

sisyphus was lowkey stupid just pushing that boulder over and over again 🙄🙄🙄 anyway this is the 15th time i reset my password this year but i do not need to write it down because this time i will for SURE remember it

Oh my God.

If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.

Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years

If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing

In my 20’s: I want to find true love.

In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.

Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*

[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA

Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.

Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!

Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats

Me: I want to-

Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!

Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!

Boss: Ok good. Go on

Me: I want to stop working here

art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face

picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?

Beyonce, shame on you. Beytwice, shame on me.

DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]

[ping pong]

ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time

Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!

I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there staring at trees for more than an hour…

Apparently this was NOT the Apple Watch she was expecting for her birthday.

What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa

Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.

In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.

One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby