[guy who’s in a bad mood until lunchtime every day] yeah im kinda weird I guess, i don’t need breakfast
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If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
Well. That’s not a good sign.
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Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
liiiiiiiiike
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My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon