Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Are you tired of having a great friendship?

Ruin it with Sex™

Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?

If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.

My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.

Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?

Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.

*Hour 3 in the trampoline park*

My oldest has said “watch this” 212 times

My youngest is running wild in a pack of feral six-year-olds

A woman screams in the distance “Jaden, Jaxon”

There is still no bar

We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.

best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival

Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket

“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”

‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’

I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.

Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.

The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.

“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”

-my new line of Get Well cards

Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛

There’s a rhyming Italian expression for saying “take it or leave it” that goes o mangi questa minestra o salti dalla finestra. It means “either eat this soup or throw yourself out the window”

Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!

I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.

[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it

I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!

My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!

“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”

– Khaki pants

Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.

How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.

To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.

You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”

If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.

me, on a business trip calling my kids on my last night: how was your day?

6: it was good, but tomorrow is going to be great!

me: aw, because I’m coming home?

6: because it’s “dress like a winter animal day”

Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.

saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people

Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.

Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?

Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!