Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
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guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
me: [texting] hey sorry but my powerful enemy just said “seize him” to all his underlings
boss: what time can you be here
me: i dunno man they’re seizing me like right now
boss: we’re short staffed today
me: i’m getting seized
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
No, I wish my water bottle had MORE parts to disassemble and wash. Seven is not enough!
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
My work here is done
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
Human are so complicated
