Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
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Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
Okay, he’s ricocheted off a few buildings, but he seems fine now.
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
How animals would run if they were human
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them