Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.

I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.

Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber

Do my kids help me cook? No.

But do they like what I cook? Also no.

Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*

Notice how ghosts never wear fitted sheets?

Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?

Romeo: New phone. Who dis?

Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time

Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.

SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.

ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.

My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings

“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”

Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.

[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer

my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call

Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms

in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents

interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?

me: self-quarantine

interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000

me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies

Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%

Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.

Me: I have bad news about, Bob

Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?

Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no

@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale

“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”

“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”

“And run the hospital cafeteria!”

“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”

[meeting new people]

Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself

Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually

The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh

This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert

WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!

ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.

I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.

Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.

6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.

“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.

Threatening to send my cat to Ohio if she doesn’t stop shredding my paper towels.

A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra